My Why.

I remember that it was a beautiful afternoon and we were staying in Cambridge, MA for the week.  My husband was in the cast of the national tour of Matilda the Musical and we were just about a year into being on tour.  I was also almost a year into being a Mama. My daughter was down for a nap, my husband at his matinee and I had just downed a giant meal of god knows what because I ate it too fast to remember.  I was standing over the toilet in the gorgeous bathroom, of the gorgeous house that friends had let us stay in while they were away and I proceeded to stick my fingers down my throat. Not only did I throw everything I had just ate up into the toilet, but I also peed everywhere.  Yes, that’s right, peed. Since giving birth a year ago, every time that I would throw up, I would also pee. I first discovered this when I got a terrible stomach bug several months earlier. This was no stomach bug, this was intentional. I knew what was going to happen, but I did it anyway.

So there I was, pee running down my leg onto the beautiful bathroom tile, smelling like vomit and the entire contents of my stomach in the toilet.  I stood up and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the very same moment that I heard my daughter cry out from the bedroom. In an instant, it hit me...the lengths I was going to, to abuse myself.  I looked myself square in the eye in the mirror and asked out loud “What the FUCK am I doing?”. This is not how I wanted to live my life. This is not how I wanted to teach my daughter to live hers. And no matter how quickly I could clean up the floor, wipe down the toilet seat, change my clothes and brush my teeth, I could never actually tell her to love herself because I didn’t, I wasn’t, loving myself.  It wouldn’t matter what words I used, what stories I told her of other brave women. I wasn’t actually BEING the example, so why oh why would it matter what I said.

Why am I sharing all of this with you?  Why now am I finally sharing this story both publicly (and privately) for the first time? A few days ago after I shared my post on the Nike Mannequins, I was watching my social media feeds light up with comments and shares about the post.  Tons of people messaged me privately to say how awesome it was and how much they resonated with it. A few hours after sharing, this memory came rushing back to me, as if it was being delivered purposely in that moment for my own remembering.  That day in Cambridge, was the very last day I practiced binging and purging, the very last day I was active in my bulimia. It has been 3 years of working hard to make different choices after 19 years of making that one incredibly destructive choice, over and over and over again.  I am sharing it because everything that I wrote in my Nike post is true about being the healthiest I have ever been and to show openly, honestly and vulnerably where I was then to where I am now.

It's also important that I share this for another reason.  When my job this past year was scaled back and I knew I was going to have to find other work, there was this incredibly strong pull to create my own business, to go into coaching.  In total transparency, I had no idea how I was going to do it, if anyone would sign up or what exactly I was going "coach".  But every time I sat with myself, I heard that inner voice say to just begin.  I heard the voices of all of my teachers over the years say the same "Begin before you are Ready" and "You are Ready Now".  I felt the calling so strongly and I  decided to just trust it, I asked very few questions and simply took action. So over the last several weeks I rolled out my business, I consistently put myself out there and I started to get some clients.  Then last week, when that moment standing in the Cambridge bathroom came flooding back, I knew.  This story and my journey from that moment to right now, is My Why.  As a coach, I am asking my students to trust me to hold space for them, for their vulnerability and to let me see them.  So, it's important that you see me too.  That I be vulnerable and willing to let you hold space for my story too. It's only fair. 

The work that I have done these last three years is the work that I am sharing with my clients.  It is the work that I continue to do, every single day myself.  It is mostly the work of showing up, being willing to be vulnerable, to sit with ourselves and to raise ourselves up each day to our highest self, vibration and inner knowing.  Up until that moment three years ago, I was only willing to believe in and see where I was falling short, and that ever circling story of not being enough.  Today, I only choose to believe in my own abundance and grace and light and love so that I may be the example for as many people as possible.  So that we may all know the most brilliant love that is unconditional self-love and that our time spent here on earth, for however long it may be, is filled to the brim with it.  Mostly, it matters to me that I be the example of that for my daughter.  So that I don't have to tell her to love herself, it is just known to her because she sees it in practice.  And it is a practice, but the more we show up each day and do it, the better we get.  Sharing this story, these practices, inspiring others to be in and of their own practices and choosing to believe in their ability to love and heal themselves, that is my work, my calling and my why.  

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