“Come from we are connected” is another nice sounding phrase that often gets said in Baptiste Yoga. It’s lovely isn’t it? It’s very much in line with other popular yogi phrases such as “we are one”, yoga meaning union or the culturally appropriated (and inappropriately used) meaning of Namaste: “The light in me bows to/is the same as the light in you”.
**side note: I have learned from the amazing Susanna Barkataki that there is actually no I in the true meaning of Namaste and it is a greeting used to honor elders, not an ending as it has been appropriated”** Anyways, these are all lovely and nice ideas, that we are all connected by some greater power or energy or really the way I see it: what you do affects me and what I do affects you. I’m totally down with coming from we are connected. I believe it and I believe in living that way. And what has been so incredibly disheartening this last year is that so many yoga leaders and wellness advocates alike have actually seemed to be coming from the exact opposite place. In the middle of a global pandemic where a tiny microscopic virus has been wreaking havoc on the collective of humanity, most especially marginalized communities and people, I have heard more talk from wellness and yoga leaders about the unfairness being bestowed upon them not being able to work, or live life the way they are used to, more than any recognition or reverence paid to the very reason WHY so many of us have been forced to surrender our livelihood for the time being...because people. have. died. Believe me, I understand how much it sucks to be someone who wants to work but cannot. I was once an actor and am married to one. You get to do the work you love doing, if you’re lucky, a small percentage of the time. Both my husband and I had to pivot in this pandemic. He even had to pivot from his pivot that he relied on in normal times, when the work of his choice as an actor wasn’t happening. And we have both spent this year working, incredibly hard I might say, towards trying to figure out how we can now create a financial livelihood for ourselves and our family that will be as sustainable as we can make it. We are waiting on some things to see if they come to fruition and as I have spoken about recently, our immediate and long term future is incredibly uncertain at this moment. It sucks. And it’s ok. We understand that in the last year, our lives and familiar world have been rocked because we could no longer afford to live in the city that was our home, because neither of us had work there because people were dying from a deadly virus. We understand that it’s difficult for him as a white cisgender male to get a job teaching at the collegiate level right now because most insitiutions are having to take an honest look at the equity and diversity of their departments and recognizing that they have work to do, which will inherently effect who they hire. We understand that for the first time ever, being a white cisgender male is making certain privileges go away. And we understand that if things are going to change, these are some of the ways in which we will be affected as two people who hold privilege. And because we come from we are connected, we are ok with it. Don’t get me wrong, I want both he and I to be doing work that fulfills us and makes a difference in this world. I want us to be able to provide for our daughter and for her to be well taken care of. But I also want things to change and so if that means that life gets a bit harder for us, or really the playing field gets more and more leveled, so be it. It’s time. Actually, it's overdue. Calling out unfairness simply because I’m being told that we haven’t quite figured out yet how to make things safe and right for everyone, not just the privileged few, is really only taking a stand for oursel It’s not zooming out to take a moment to recognize our individual place in the bigger picture and really taking stock in where we fall on the privilege scale. It’s ignorant and focused solely on individualism and capitalism over collectivism and real connection. Look, I know leaders have screwed up. I know that it hasn’t been done perfectly or even well at times. Politics itself is a very messed up space at the moment. And there is accountability and dismantling to be done there just as much as every other space. But none of us, not one of us including our politicians and leaders have ever lived through a pandemic before. There isn’t a manual. There is science and data and public health standards. And as much as I ONE HUNDRED PERCENT stand behind the need for better social and emotional integrative practices into our society, like yoga and meditation and even certain natural health and wellness practices, it cannot come at the expense of the safety of those who don’t have access to those spaces and practices in the first place. We are important and essential as human beings and our work as champions of well-being is essential. But our business (as usual) may not be essential to the moment of need. It’s a radically honest truth that may not want to be heard, but I’ll say it because I believe that we can hold two truths at the same time: our work can be essential overall and in the now, not so much. It doesn’t have to indicate or mean anything about our personhood or our choice of career. It doesn’t mean we have to stop either because we can innovate in ways that keep it going and keep it safe. And many have, including myself. But it’s not unfair simply because we want to work as we always have, because it feels better to us. I am willing to bet that if we could ask the 550,000 plus who have died as well as their families, that they would want to be able to work too, but that being alive is much, much better. So yes, come from we are connected. Say it often and to others if you wish. But only if you can really make it mean a kind of connection that doesn't stop just at what and who you can see directly in front of you. Only if it doesn't stay a nice phrase that falls trippingly off the tongue but when faced with making choices, both practically and in our attitudes, that would really prove that the connection is real, you back out because of your personal inconvenience. I believe that we are connected and that what I do affects an entire ecosystem of other humans, even people I have never and will never meet. And so because of that, I got my vaccine today. My daughter came with me and held my hand. It’s been quite a year that has turned her life upside down and inside out. But I can’t stop at just being concerned about her life, because that wouldn’t make me the kind of mom I want to be, who raises her child to see beyond the end of her own nose and recognize that the reason why she matters so much is because she has an actual and very real impact on others. Not just a superficial one that looks good on Instagram. How are you coming from we are connected today, but for real? Share in the comments because I genuinely want to hear from YOU...because we ARE connected!
0 Comments
Last night I led The Meditation Circle in a Loving Kindness meditation. Except, I revised it. If you are unfamiliar with practicing Loving Kindness, essentially you meditate on specific people in your life: those you love deeply and to which that love comes easily, those who are more of a neutral presence in your life and those with whom you struggle with and have a difficult time loving. There are many different adaptations of course, but this is the basic and overall structure. The idea is that when you find the ability to extend loving kindness towards all people, especially those with whom you struggle, you get the great benefit of being the receptor of that kind of love. The concept of loving kindness is that the love you are extending isn’t only for the benefit of others, but for the benefit of ourselves. It is supposed to be the embodiment of true compassion towards all sentient beings. And for a long time I understood this concept and readily accepted it.
However, these days I cannot help but wonder if the way in which Loving Kindness is set up is actually problematic. The concept of Loving Kindness was brought to popularity by many famous teachers such as Jon Kabat-Zinn, Tich Nat-Han and Tara Brach. I mean no disrespect to them, but I challenge the idea that we have to spend very much time at all extending love to anyone who wouldn’t take care of that love with integrity and respect. If love is energy then why even spend time exerting towards the people who would do nothing with that energy but exhaust it? Even if that person is only active in our life through our contemplation of meditation, why even give them our attention? We live in a culture that is constantly asking us to over extend ourselves for others in the name of love and kindness, but the truth is that not everyone is entitled to our love. Not everyone is entitled to our kindness. They are both earned and to be nurtured between two consenting adults who are BOTH doing the work of nurturing. And to be clear, the opposite of not being entitled to love and kindness is not meanness and hate. We must not be so divisive. Being purposely mean and hateful is it’s own kind of energy, not really that dissimilar to that of love and kindness in terms of effort. Instead, we can simply safeguard ourselves by not giving any energy towards those who would not use it well. It also doesn’t mean neutrality but rather radical honesty in which we allow ourselves to state that a person is not deserving of my loving kindness at this moment, either because I do not have the capacity or because they have shown me time and time again that they cannot handle it with care. You could call it a kind of detach with love, because the love is in the name of yourself and your boundaries. You could simply call it detachment because I’m not sure it even matters whether or not love is involved. Love is one of my most favorite emotions and actions, yet we have certainly abused it by calling things out in the “name of love” when really what we are doing is gaslighting our way into toxic positivity. Love is important and precious and yet it does not need to be extended to all at all times because while it feels nice to say “love everyone”, real true and deep love is not always about being nice. Nice, especially in the context these days of social and racial justice can actually be incredibly harmful. And while I could also continue on about how being nice and being kind are not the same thing, I will save that for another day. My point friends is that part of our work in the world of wellness that exists in 2021 is to really examine some of the old truths we have accepted as such for a very long time. Perhaps many of them, if not all, need an update. When it comes to the concept of loving kindness, for me and for those I teach, I want to extend a different way of going about it so that you walk away from it feeling much more full of love than depleted or as if love is some kind of universal truth that everyone has access to, even though it's a very intimate part of your humanhood. Here is how I went about it last night instead: Imagine someone in your life who loves you deeply sitting right next to you. This is someone whose love is so potent that you feel it radiating right through you. Their love for you is unquestioned. Feel the sensation, the emotion and the energy of that love. Do the same thing with another person in a similar kind of love on the other side of you. Then picture yourself surrounded by anyone else in your life whose love you also know of and feel is readily available to you. Now imagine the love you have for all of them and them feeling its potency as well. Feel the cyclical nature of how the love they poured in to you is also what is allowing you to pour back into them. There is an exchange of energy happening and while it may not always be effortless, it is filled with a sense of ease. Now imagine one by one each of these people fades. You are left sitting there alone, except not at all alone. That love and energy, those sensations, that warmth of love that you felt even from just the thought of them, is here with you now. And with that precious love, you get to choose whom you bestow it upon, to whom you deem worthy to receive your personal energy of love by wishing them peace, happiness and a life that is filled with abundant love. I did use a traditional Loving Kindness mantra aka May you be happy, at ease and free from pain. I decided afterwards that I would not include that in the future. At least the free from pain part. It’s not that we would wish pain on anyone, but to wish a life free from it is in all radical honesty, completely and totally impossible. Life contains pain. Whether it is physical, emotional, enduring or short lived. I don’t say this to be morbid or dark, but simply to allow ourselves to let go of some perfected idea that we could direct our energy in a way that would have someone living completely pain free, including ourselves. And that is very much the point of this entire contemplation, we don’t have to run anymore or pretend that seemingly unflattering truths don’t exist; not everyone gets to have access to our love. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t worthy of love, but perhaps not our own personal brand. And that’s ok. I think we will be far better served moving forward if we start talking about how some of the old practices have actually become outdated as we are learning more and more about the impact of gaslighting, toxic positivity and privilege in the wellness spaces. And while loving kindness seems like such a virtue to be able to bestow upon others, perhaps selectivity is an ok thing for the sake of truly being in the practice of being loving and kind first and foremost, to ourselves. To join The Meditation Circle, visit my Weekly Offerings. Question for YOU: Do you struggle with giving away energy to others who don't necessarily deserve it? How have you been able to create more boundaries for yourself? Answer in the comments below! I had a client the other day say to me “I know all the things I should be doing”. My question back was, “says who? Why are you living and measuring your life against a set of standards that someone else, or society set for you?” Her response was because if I don’t, I will become A, B and C. I asked, “but is this true?” If you don’t do these things you think you should do, will you really end up lying on the couch all day eating cookies? Is that really who you think you are?
Of course the answer is no. We have been led to believe that if we just do certain things, we will be kept from a part of ourselves that would continually be less than. Or if we don’t do them, we will become a version of ourselves that is wrong, lazy, fat, ugly or just plain not enough of a human being that is worthy of anything good in this life. The truth is that the wellness industry is designed and maintained to have you not believe your own mind and heart because that way, they can keep you coming back for more. In fact, it’s not really wellness, it’s capitalism wrapped in the beautiful, filtered, pastel pictures presented to you as wellness. Our trust in ourselves has been usurped for the sake of the ability to make more money off of the idea that there is a better and more amazing version of yourself somewhere out there, if only you would push yourself into submission and spend enough money to find that version. I don’t believe for one second that this is who people really are. That if left to their own devices they would lie around all day, every day and do absolutely nothing at all. I also think that some days that is a perfectly acceptable and valuable choice to make. But at the end of the day, there is nothing you should do except listen to yourself and truly learn to trust your heart and your own mind. And to be clear, I am not saying that all wellness spaces are bad, or that paying money for classes and practices that support us in being well is bad, obviously. It may seem contradictory as someone who makes a living from doing just that to be saying all of this, but it’s not if the learning that comes from those spaces is grounded in a messaging that first and foremost recognizes that being who and how you are, is enough. Messaging matters and it’s why I find it so valuable these days to continually examine and weed through it all by asking the simple question “is this really true?”. Here are some common examples of messages based on should thinking, either directly or underlying: Is the focus solely on the body and how it should look because of the class and outcomes based in physical aesthetics? Are there specific body parts mentioned in the title of the class, because we should have abs of steel, bootylicious behinds and chiseled arms? Are the classes you are taking, about the teacher themselves? This fosters a I should be more like them mindset. Real wellness is never about the teacher. Are the general themes of a class or teacher about making you step up to a bigger and better place in your life because you should be up to something bigger than yourself? Are they demanding from you in a way that lacks any kind of compassion and instead call you out and away from your own knowing? Because you should be able to do that pose or exercise, it’s just your mind getting in your way? (This is also power over leadership fyi) Is the talk all about and only about positivity because you should be able to turn that frown upside down and have better control over your mindset? Aka toxic positivity Is the general culture of the community one where you should be signing up to do all the training, workshops and programs because that is the only way you will benefit from the work? In the teacher/instructor community you should be so grateful for opportunities that don’t pay you, but you get to trainings, workshops, programs for free? You should be volunteering your time and energy for the sake of community and self betterment? You should be eating these foods, but not these foods. You should use organic and free range and all natural no matter what they cost. You should mediate. You should journal. You should let go of that. You should focus on this instead. And then there are all the shouldn’t’s: You shouldn’t feel sad or angry or fear if you’re really practicing and doing the work. You shouldn’t leave the room. You shouldn’t take a break or even need that break. You shouldn’t eat meat. You shouldn’t be vegan. You shouldn’t eat dairy. You shouldn’t sleep in. You shouldn’t stay up late. You shouldn’t have a messy house. You shouldn’t use chemicals. You shouldn’t do this, you should do that instead. My entire point is this: if the person is saying should, even if that person is yourself, I highly recommend questioning why and is that actually true? Because here’s the thing: shoulding on ourselves without real understanding as to why, ultimately leads us to feeling guilty when we don’t do the things we “should” or do the things we “shouldn’t”. And here is where I am going to quote the INCREDIBLE Jeffrey Marsh to you: “Guilt is useless. Guilt is fake. Guilt is actually a whole set of problems that you do not deserve”. In fact, I am going to link this very important video for you to go watch where he explains what guilt really is and how the problem is that often the way we know who we are is actually and tragically, through our guilt. And here’s the major thing that Jeffrey brings up in his video and something that I am always, always, always saying to my clients: in those moments when you recognize that perhaps in the past you didn’t do something you wished you had, or are constantly concerning yourself with how to be better in the future, instead of the guilt of all the shoulds, try present compassion. Have the utmost, one hundred percent amount of compassion for the mere fact that you are a human being who is alive right now and doing their very best. Most importantly, recognize that whether you do the things of the “shoulds” or “should nots” they are not who you are. You are not the person in the messages that would have you believe that if you do not adhere to the strictures, you will fall backward into an abyss of unworthiness and less than-ness. That your happiness will totally be compromised because you aren’t living up to your best self. Upholding shoulds and the guilt that ultimately comes is to uphold the cycle of thinking that you need to keep measuring how well you are doing in life by standards that are set for and by someone else. Oftentimes, someone who doesn’t even know you and the context of your life at all. I laugh with my clients all the time because as a teacher, I often dwell in the space of ambiguity when it comes to how to be well. Every single eMOTION class is different from the next, there is no set structure. Every meditation is different from that last. I no longer adhere to any specific methodology choosing instead to open up my own breadth of learning and knowledge not basing any one thing as a standard of truth. I believe in asking questions more than finding answers and that the asking itself has a power bigger than we even realize. At first, it can feel overwhelming and I honor that. Our minds are not used to having choices with no clear answers laid out because it’s been far easier to package the promise of answers as a business plan. However, what also happens in this space of ambiguity is that eventually we become practiced at simply making a choice, without needing it to be correct or incorrect and we learn that we are more than capable of navigating the outcome, whatever it may be. We learn to trust ourselves in a much truer way than popping the pill of someone else’s certainty. To me, this is real wellness. A kind that is free of guilt and shoulds and completely wide open to a kind of learning that doesn’t require us to bind ourselves to someone else’s idea of what would be good for us. Instead what we learn, much to our surprise, is that we are in fact good without the should. If you are interested in this kind of wellness, I would love to welcome you to my offerings of ambiguity! Project eMOTION is a beautiful way to explore each one as a package deal. We are starting up again this Sunday. The Movement & Stillness subscription gives you access to eMOTION classes and Meditation sessions. And of course there is always the option of working one on one with me. This allows for us to work together in your specificity and context of life, but in a way that will only be about nurturing trust in yourself, your mind and your heart, honestly, with integrity and complete agency and autonomy. This is an incredibly important component to understand when even daring to speak about power. What kind of power are we interested in creating here? How do we do that safely?
Here is a brief description of the four kinds of power courtesy of Brene Brown who has dedicated her entire career to studying human behavior, emotion and thought, especially surrounding leadership: Power Over
Power with/within/to:
Here’s where it gets really tricky - we can have the intention of having power with/within/to leadership but use the tactics of Power Over leadership, both intentionally and unintentionally. Often this is done through gaslighting and not understanding that in order to cultivate power within, to or with there must be a clear set of boundaries established right off the bat and an honest clarity around what we are actually seeking and who we are seeking it for. It can be very easy to say that we are for someone but then only take on the actions that are motivated solely from our own best interest. The reality is that power over is the most common kind of leadership because it’s what has been in existence for the majority of human history. The human condition is very much attracted to finding this kind of power because it helps to support feelings of importance while alleviating feelings of insecurity, doubt and fear. Our egos are well versed at seeking out this kind of power because it is what serves to keep them alive and thriving despite the harm it causes others. So because this is so ingrained in how our society has functioned for so long, the only way to truly change it is to seriously go to work on our own dismantling of it, within ourselves. I believe this is why we are seeing what we are seeing in the ways of social and racial justice, gender equality and the dismantling of a white supremist and patriarchal culture in all of our institutions...because enough people are ready to do the work of their own dismantling of power over structures. On a personal level, this is what I am seeing play out in the world of yoga, specifically the Baptiste community at this moment. There is a reckoning and realization that this kind of power is inherently destructive for our emotional and psychological well-being. That it is unsustainable and that while we had the privilege of not paying attention, the cost has been incredibly high for other human beings who have long been stripped of any kind of power. The last straw has been broken and there has been just enough fatigue that has set in to say enough is enough for a larger and growing amount of people. And this is ultimately great news. But here’s the thing, not everyone has arrived yet. Especially anyone who has benefitted or is benefitting from the old power over model because it would mean that they would have to give up a great deal and break down old structures that have been serving them for a long time. I’m not saying this to excuse this kind of resistance. I simply think that coming from this place of understanding will actually help benefit those of us who are ready to and already are moving forward to do the work of dismantling and create real and lasting change. In the spirit of promoting power with, to and within I will share that we can only be effective when we stop trying to convince the people who are doing wrong to see it, and instead go to work with one another on what we have direct agency on; which is ourselves and the relationships that would support a kind of learning that isn’t about who is right, but how we can all get it right, together. The kind that hold equal and equitable space for one another. To be clear, it doesn't mean that we don't hold people accountable. But part of that accountability relies on our willingness to recognize where our agency begins and ends, so as not to burn ourselves out with a constant pushing which could ultimately lead us down the road of practicing "power over", ourselves. Accountability is imperative for change, but shame is not a worthy tool in any direction it is aimed. Brene does have an amazing episode on her podcast about exactly this that I would encourage a listen. I’ve experienced power over relationships my entire life. I’ve felt and seen the harm caused by their wake first hand, truly. And I have learned how to navigate this in a way that allows me to release the anger and frustration that is only really harming myself and move forward in a much more productive and healthy way. It’s easy to be drawn down into the depths of despair, shame and guilt that come from the realization that you have been at the mercy of this kind of power. But I promise you, it’s not where you need to stay. If I can impart anything through this post, it’s to encourage you to take some time to consider how you seek and exert your own power. This is both over/with/to/within ourselves and one another. We desperately need to examine this before we even dare to consider how we continue onward to re-build and re-structure. This is the real work of inquiry and when done mindfully, respectfully and with compassion, it can be what changes the world in the ways that we who get it, know it can and should be. To your very best ability, don’t be discouraged by those who won’t listen right now. We don’t need to be right. Instead, let’s get to work on being the ones who get it right and actually learn how to foster power with, to and within for one another, ourselves and most especially anyone who has been harmed at the hand of power over. When recently packing for our trip down to Florida, I tried on some of my clothes from last summer and noticed how they fit differently aka my body was carrying more weight than it had been the last time I wore them. In the past, this would have thrown me into a shame spiral that had me obsessing over everything I ate and feelings of deep self-loathing. However, this is what I did this time around instead… I looked in the mirror and said out loud, “ok, you’ve put on some weight. I don’t love that, but I still love you” I stood and looked at my body exactly as it is and took some deep breaths and placed my hands on myself. Then I smiled and felt a moment of great relief that it could be as simple as that. I continued with my packing, choosing the clothes that felt good on my body and put away the ones that were snug without any longing to see them again and moved on with my day. I didn't vow to "do better" or "be better". I didn't immediately jump into a crazy workout regimen or restricted eating diet. Instead I allowed for that simple moment of consciousness to be enough. Because I am not my body. I know this may sound basic for anyone who may not struggle with intense feelings around their body, but this is a huge win for any of us who do. The ability to openly accept and acknowledge our bodies, not as good or bad when we go up or down on the scale, but as the ever evolving and fluctuating organisms that they are. To openly voice to ourselves honest reality and our feelings about it, separate from our feelings of self: “I don’t love that, but I still love you” has been a major game changer for me personally. I wrote recently that I don’t really believe in “body positivity” but more in body neutrality or acceptance because the truth is, when we force ourselves to feel a specific way, even perceived positive ways, we are often negating the reality of what is. Body positivity would have me replace the truth of "I don't love that" with a more "positive" statement even though it may not be true. A kind of "fake it till you make it" mindset. As someone who teaches mindfulness and meditation, I believe that our strongest power for healing lives in what is, rather than some false forced perception or narrative of where we would rather be. It doesn’t mean that I don’t always think my body is beautiful. That’s the big misconception because beauty itself is neither positive or negative, it just is. There is beauty in all of our different forms and it does not need to be defined as only an experience with what we have deemed “positive”. Body positivity implies that in order to find it, we must continue to maintain a one sided conversation with ourselves, often manipulating our own minds into the submission of “positive”. As they say, you absolutely can have too much of a good thing and eventually that positivity becomes toxic. It’s the same kind of suppression that has told women for centuries to put a smile on their face and hide their innermost feelings because no one needs to see that, including ourselves. It's BS. And to be clear, body acceptance does not mean anti-weightloss or anti-fit, the same way that it doesn’t mean anti-fat. I am not anti anything when it comes to the body because that is the entire point. All of the boxing off we have done through commercialism and social media around what makes a body good or not is causing a severe confusion when the time comes to really look at ourselves in the mirror and stand with what actually is. We think there is some kind of measurement that will give us the answer to whether or not we are doing it “right” or “being good”. Instead of that, try what is real. Allow yourself to stand confidently in the truth of what is for a moment and repeat these words: “I may not love that, but I still love you”, if that is in fact your truth. Or perhaps it is “I love it, and I love you”. I have had many of those moments too. It's ok to have an opinion on your body, but we don't need to be consumed by that opinion. Because YOU are not your body’s aesthetic. YOU are much more than that. And frankly, your body is much more than that. And you need not shame yourself into the submission of a complete and total overhaul, nor do you need to lie your way into positivity. What is, is enough because it’s what IS in this moment. You are enough. Only when we learn to trust that, can we truly find freedom within ourselves and the kind of radical self-love that doesn’t rely on what size you are. I don’t love that I have gained some weight mostly because I don't feel as fluid as I do when I am carrying a bit less of myself. AND I still deeply and profoundly love myself today, right now as is. I will go put into action the things that I know support that love. I will move my body a bit more each day and more consciously consume my food without the side of guilt or shame, simply because I know what my body needs right now. I won’t obsess over any of it because I do not wish to spend that kind of mental energy when I have so many bigger and more important things to do. Because I am not my body. It is a part of me. And only a part of me. Interested in learning how I am able to create such confident and loving boundaries with myself? Join me this Sunday for a Creating Boundaries workshop. I will give you the secret right off the bat: creating boundaries is not about others, it's about ourselves. And it's not about limitations, it's about expansion. And it extends into all areas of our life: relationships, money, self-love and worth, parenting and so on... ALSO...here is what happens when we create boundaries... Through honest and loving observation, I know it's time to commit to moving a bit more beyond just the classes I teach. I don't need to shame or guilt myself into it. I don't need to force anything at all. As I have shared before and through the creation of eMOTION, my history is to use movement as punishment. Thankfully I have learned from my own history and so instead, I'm committing to only do what brings me joy AND gets me moving and sweating with just some more consistency. This may be a long walk in nature while listening to a podcast, a bike ride with my daughter or my favorite thing in the whole wide world: DANCING!!! HUGE shoutout to Mike Peele of Hip Hop Fit, my latest go-to!! My favorite thing about his channel: He features humans of ALL shapes, sizes and colors and is all about the JOY!! I grew up in the time of Kate Moss’s: “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. I know she has since said she regrets saying that, but the truth is that she didn’t act alone. That statement was upheld and supported long before she uttered those words and quite honestly still exists today.
One of the reasons it continues to be upheld is because billions of dollars a year are made by businesses, corporations and people who profit off our pain and insecurities. Diet culture is riddled with systems of oppression and white supremacy meant to uphold the idea that there is a “norm”. But the “norm” doesn’t necessarily equal the majority. For example, the average woman’s jean size is somewhere in the range of 16. We can’t get an exact measurement because different brands actually make their sizes differently. And yet we are led to believe that size 8 or below are the size in which we should strive for. I don’t know about you, but I have certainly jumped up and down in a dressing room in the past when I was fitting into a smaller size, or walked away feeling completely defeated when my size was up. The powers of oppression and body politics are so strong that we literally wage wars on the pant sizes we wear and on ourselves, upending our entire lives to follow along these rigid and strict diets in order to slide a piece of material over our hips with a specific size on the tag that no one will ever actually see. And it gets further upheld and fed by all of the positive reinforcement we get when we lose weight. “You look amazing”, “you’re glowing”, “what have you been doing because it’s working”. Many of us have likely either said this to someone or had it said to us at one point. It matters that we all take accountability because we too have been existing in a world where fatphobia lives along the same insidious lines as racism. In fact, fatphobia itself has incredibly racist roots. And as we have (hopefully) been paying attention to and learning this year, we are all complicit. This isn’t said to shame us. I am saying this to set us free. Because the work of dismantling can begin right now and with each one of us. We can recognize our attachment to our own body politics and bias. We can check in with how we speak to others about how they look, most especially our children. We can drop the before and after photos as if we have won something in our weightloss. We can check ourselves and what the real reasons are we are taking on the latest new fad of how we consume food. We can begin to do the work of setting ourselves and each other free. And of course, you can donate to my Project HEAL National Eating Disorders Awareness week fundraiser. I am so grateful and blown away by the responses I got yesterday. I would love to get to $500 by the end of this week. Will you help me dismantle the barriers that keep us locked into the idea that skinny is a feeling we should in any way strive for? I’ve shared a similar side by side with you before. On the left is a more recent picture while on the right is a picture of me from my mid twenties. On the left I am a mom. I am often tired and constantly navigating the balance of running a business and raising a child. But I’m so freaking happy and comfortable in my body. Not every day, but most of the time. I love the shape of me. I love nourishing and moving it. I am well.
On the right I am energized and able to run mile after mile and go on audition after audition to try and get that “big break”. But I am deeply unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin. I think about all the ways in which I am not good enough, often. I eat food with guilt and regret and promptly purge it out of me. I am not well. Societally, the image on the right has been far more widely accepted and embraced than the one on the right. We are making progress, but we still have a long way to go. Body politics and shaming are as old as this country. There has long been a “right” body and all the rest have to work to live up to it. It’s wrong. It’s harmful. It affects more people than we realize. And what comes of it are diseases and disorders that cause us to punish ourselves into submission. And I want to remind you that contrary to all the images and programs that are floating around us all day long, you can’t see wellness. Today marks the first day of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. The stereotypes of who has an eating disorder – white, young, female, thin, affluent – are not accurate or representative, but they do exist for a reason: they are the subgroup that has been the focus of research and treatment marketing because they are the subgroup who is more likely to have the resources to access treatment. Research is clear that people of every ethnicity, age, gender, body shape and size, and socioeconomic status struggle with eating disorders, but our broken healthcare system prevents them from utilizing the resources required to achieve recovery. The truth is, I am part of that subgroup. I was able and had access to treatment and healing. I would like to now use my privilege to stand up and call out the deep injustice that is going on here. Out of 30 million people who suffer from eating disorders, only 20% of them get help. As an ambassador for Project Heal, I am proudly launching this week my Classy Campaign page to help raise money and awareness for those who fall in the other 80% to gain access to treatment. If you could donate even just the price of a cup of coffee, I would be forever grateful. I also want to encourage you to join in this week on Instagram as Project Heal hosts a 5 part virtual even series held nightly at 7pm EST. Head to their page to get all the details. I will see you there. Our Bodies are our earth.
This is the space in which we stand, we break down, we open, we flow, we wake and we slumber. Our bodies are our earth. May we make them so much our home that there is no greater intimacy we experience than that of our own bodies, our own earth. It’s been a while since I have shared in this space. I don’t know if it is the winter months or the general malaise of pandemic living, but constantly writing for others to read, other than a specific group right now has felt somewhat impossible. I know through speaking with my girlfriends that I am not alone in this feeling, so if that is you, know that I see you and feel you. So much.
But the truth is also that with what energy I have had, I have been using it towards writing a book. Or rather, practicing writing a book. Practicing because the truth is, I have never done it before and I am completely in uncertain territory. Wanting to write a book has been a dream of mine for a long time now. Actually going to work and doing it has been a whole other story. All the usual suspects of thought have crept into my mind: “everyone else has said what you want to say”, “no one will actually read it or let alone publish it”, “I don’t know if I could fill an entire book with words, it feels so daunting”. As they say, these are the moments when I am “back on my bullshit”. And I know it’s bullshit so therefore, I made the choice at the beginning of the year to simply give myself the permission to practice writing a book. No expectations, no pressure to turn it into anything and yet the door has been left wide open for the creation of something to occur. Here’s how I’m doing it: When I decided to create and launch Project eMOTION, I made a decision that each week everyone would get a chapter of an eBOOK pertaining to that week’s Small Ritual practice. And so for the last six weeks, I have spent every week writing the following week’s chapter. Rather than this being a simple PDF, which very much could have been, I have taken it upon myself to write a few pages about why we are taking on that specific ritual that week. Sometimes this means storytelling from personal experience, or a deeper history lesson into the art of the ritual. The real key is that while it is absolutely landing in the inboxes of people who have paid me for this work, it is not about getting it perfect. In truth, these twelve chapters that I am writing are no more than a rough draft for the book that it will eventually become. Already in week six I look back to weeks one, two and three and know there are a ton of edits to be made, thoughts to expound upon and work to be done. But for right now, that’s not where I am in the process. I am in the practice portion which is about sitting myself down and utilizing the framework of our work in Project eMOTION as my guide. To practice putting my words down on “paper” and releasing the judgment long enough to put it out into the world for the eyes of others. Women of whom I adore and trust btw. Who even though they have come to Project eMOTION for their own work and reasons, are giving me the gift to equally realize my own work. I won’t lie, it’s incredibly hard. There are days when I sit down and all I can do is get a few words written before my brain wanders aimlessly away from the page, feeling the weight of having nothing to say. And yet somehow, each week it happens. Every Saturday night I finish it in its current form, I record an audio version of it (a very helpful tool I must say) and I send it off for eleven women to read and take away from it what they will. It’s imperfect and a rough cut, but it’s a practice that has allowed me to strengthen the muscle to finally do the thing I have been saying I want to do all these years. And that is the real point of sharing this with you. It would be a tragic shame for you, for any of us to get to the end of our lives never have filled our hearts desire. To have never taken the deep breath and forged ahead in the creation of something that may or may not work, but you’re not beholden to the outcome because honestly, the heart doesn’t really care. No one needs to give you permission to do this. You do not need to get it right. Just practice. And when the doubt comes and the fog envelopes you, you practice being in those moments too because they are just as much a part of the process as the triumph of it all. It doesn’t have to be any more than that right now. It does not need to be a certain anything. I dare you to go and practice this week whatever it is that you are wanting to create. Go. Make bold mistakes and paint in all the wrong colors and do it again and again and again. It’s just practice. (But shh, here's the secret: that's where all the good stuff is anyways) "Selfless women make for an efficient society but not a beautiful, true, or just one. When women lose themselves, the world loses its way. We do not need more selfless women. What we need right now is more women who have detoxed themselves so completely from the world's expectations that they are full of nothing but themselves. What we need are women who are full of themselves. A woman who is full of herself knows and trusts herself enough to say and do what must be done. She lets the rest burn." - Glennon Doyle, Untamed
I read this quote this morning during my morning meditation time. We are in a radical time right now. The world, our country, has lost its way. Except, I believe that it's always been lost. We have been living in a suppressed society from the beginning where the expectations are for people to behave so that we may have a more efficient society. The expectations have been that Women know their role, People of Color stay in their lane and we all let the men go to work for the good of us all, forsaking any real sense of self. But Women have been finding themselves. Black and Brown citizens of this country are finally being seen, heard and listened to. The traditional keepers of power know it and are resisting this change. They know that the efficiency they once relied on is slipping from their grip. The efficiency that relied on the oppression of others. And we know that what we resist, is what persists. We must continue to persist. We must continue to break the mold of "selflessness", the lie that we must get in line. We must do what must be done, in connection with a deep trust of love. Because here's the thing: we have seen this last week how those who would like to continue to remain the oppressor use their power. We have seen the force, the violence, the harm, the disconnect, all of it spurred by hate, filled with self loathing rather than self loving. We can see the shame and guilt that has been handed down to them by generations of ancestral unwellness. Those of us who are disrupting the efficiency of the world by choosing to stand in the fullness of ourselves, of our personhood, we know better. We see the oppressors and those who continue to stand by them for what they are; insolent and wounded children who are acting out in tantrums because they have lost their way. A way that they never really owned because it relied solely on making sure that we didn’t have one either. Anyone who has ever experienced the backhanded side of patriarchy, racism and white supremacy is not surprised by this. This is America. It always has been. No amount of nicesties or religion can erase that truth. And so there is a very big part of me, as I sit here now and watch the resistance of this change have their childish moment, that says “let it burn”. Let them burn themselves out so that we may actually be able to begin again, in the open air. Unshrouded and unobstructed by the insidious torments of efficiency. And in the meantime, those of us who know better, may we do the work to become more and more and more full of ourselves. May we relieve ourselves of our selflessness for it only serves those who would wish us to continue walking around without a self to make things easier for them. But you and I, we do hard things. We do the work of learning to love ourselves in our fullness because we realize that THAT is the way to truly serve the greater good. May we recognize that our job is not to make this life more efficient for the privileged few, but instead more beautiful, more true and more just for ALL. And that work lives in the refusal to give up our self. Because that is far too high a price to pay for the sake of efficiency and we must become no longer willing to pay it. |
Sara Packardis a Mama, Wife, Yoga and Meditation Teacher, Coach, Writer and Activist. You can read more about her here. Archives
September 2021
Categories |